Just Shut Up!!!

Movies are a huge part of my life. Actually, probably more of my life than is actually healthy. Our living room looks like a small Blockbuster Video, we have so many VHS tapes and DVD's.

Part of the enjoyment of a movie, naturally, is that for a short time, you escape your reality, and get pulled into the story of the characters in the film. Yes, books can have the same effect, but that falls into an entirely different category for me.

So, that's why I got a bit upset at the freakin' movies tonight.

We went to see "In Good Company" and had a trio of genetic rejects come in late and flop down a few seats away. An older man and his wife, and their daughter. It was obviously their daughter, as loudly, as the movie started, she announced, "Mom, we're sitting down here! There's no stairs over there!"

Now, I don't want to sound like some kind of movie theater snob, but these people drove me nuts. You forget to turn off your cell phone? That's okay, as long as you answer fast, and hang up faster. Think of something funny to tell a friend, or need to ask them a question? Fine. Whisper it to them, and then shut up.

Part of the problem with that is that half of the people in the world don't seem to understand the difference between a stage whisper and a whisper. The proper way to whisper is to get close to someone's ear, and basically his the words, or say them under your breath. If it's a loud situation, like a car chase scene in a movie, then move closer to the ear, instead of attempting to raise the volume of the whisper. When you raise that volume, it becomes a stage whisper, easily heard by everyone else, and more likely to be heard than, say, a mutter, because of the distinct hissing sound you're making, which annoys the crap out of me, when I'm trying to watch the movie I paid to see.

I need to be pulled into the story, and that's not going to happen if someone's a few seats down from me, stage whispering to her mother, (who laughs like a donkey being tortured), about how that actress is on CSI: Miami. I can't let the narrative take me away if someone's repeating every line she finds halfway amusing, (and she had a really strange sense of humor), to her father, who keeps blowing his nose loudly, like a dented trumpet trapped uncomfortably in an elephant's trunk. I can't enjoy myself with someone's idiotic inability to shut up!

Deprived of my out-of-body-into-film experience, I got fed up, and I went:

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

...and they shut up, for ten minutes. Then it started in again. I gave up, and just enjoyed the movie as best I could, imagining a reality in which the three didn't exist, where I was totally wrapped up in Topher Grace's inability to just relax and realize he hates what he does for a living. I went to my happy place, where I could truly enjoy the adorable qualities of Scarlett Johansson.

Then, the movie ended, and the mother had the freakin' nerve to "apologize" for her daughter's behavior. Don't apologize to me, woman! You should have told your ridiculously loud wench of a daughter to shut her flapping, sparkly-glossed lips! You should have taught her at an earlier age, (did I mention the daughter looked like she was in her late-late teens, or twenties?), that in the movie theater, you watch the movie! You don't comment on every little thing!

(Stops, catches his breath.)

Anyway, that was my exciting Friday night. Sorry about the rant, but I had to let it out. Had to!